A Meditation on my 2018 Poetry PDF
Old news!
In 2018, I was bewitched by an evil sorcerer. He was the coolest ever and there is nothing crazier than being 21 and hopelessly in love.
I found the poetry I sort of self-published from that time; it’s a little PDF I wiped from the internet.
So, to like, talk about it. I designed and formatted it in one evening. I think the best things I make happen in one, uninterrupted sitting. Or I pretend that.
Not going to speak on the merit of it until after I give you this link you’ll theoretically engage with:
Overall, I think it’s a pretty embarrassing piece of literature, but I’m proud I did it. I was working with some high level concepts (self referential reflection, admission of past mistakes, pure cringe).
A lot of people reached out to me after putting it out to say, hey, I think what you did was really cool. I obviously thought it was cool.
Everything feels sooo important when you’re in it, which is abundantly clear of my youth. In the future, I’d like to have enough life experience to know when something is special and when it is not.
I will be honest: I don’t remember half the people these shitty poems are about. I know that there’s one specific relationship I used as a through line, but if you asked me to write something about him today, I would make a fart noise then do a carnival trick. I don’t have anything to say. Does that usually happen?
The people who irreversibly altered my life are only mentioned in passing throughout, which is funny. At the time, maybe I didn’t think they were affecting me as much as they actually did. Does that usually happen, too? This is like at the doctor when I am asking how many things about me are normal.
At 23, I was set on releasing another PDF of poetry. I had figured out the design, the theme, and was gathering the words to put in. But it never happened.
I made friends, my dog died, I tried to make a film, then my family fell apart, I felt nothing, people hated me, I learned Maya and Unreal Engine, the pandemic started, I had physical panic attacks, IG infographics took over, my ex boyfriend got a new girlfriend, everybody wanted to be famous on TikTok, I did poppers, then I moved to New York.
A lot happened. I don’t know if that second PDF will make sense now, the same way I doubt the art I made pre pandemic will ever make sense.
I will kill myself, though, if I’m found doing another retrospective of work from before all this. This is the low point.
