I was drunk at an arcade bar. I had missed this kind of thing since moving from Ohio, a place that also has arcade bars. I just couldn’t stop thinking about the nightmare of a man I had met a few weeks earlier.
When I meet someone, I always think: you’re gonna get sucked into my whirlwind. Until I get vacuumed into his. It’s the art of getting got. Besides chess, I guess this is my most favorite game. It makes my heart beat too fast, my jokes not quick enough, my stomach very sick. I’m not really anyone after a good play. Just this.
A friend to all is a friend to none
Chase two girls, lose the one
When you are young, they assume you know nothin'
He explains China and my own body to me. As per usual, I’m too mean.
Ambition is a gun we’ve both held to the temple. I’m very content to let him have all the bullets, even the gun. I know he’d shoot me though, if it meant some sort of success.
He told me he would like to live a thousand lives, so we could have one together. I cry on his chest, but I won’t go into it if he asks.
There was a moment or two in this horrible thing where I felt on top of the world, everything bad below. Like maybe I’d win.
I realize now it’s all selfish. He tells me there is sacrifice in love, so I think about all the things I could give away.
At some point, you need to stop playing chess and just play checkers. At some point, you need to just stop fucking playing.
Does it go through ya, when I'm talking to ya?
You know that I could sue ya if we're married
And you fuck up again!
Impress myself with stealth and bad health
And my wealth and regressive causes…
So I wrote a list of all the things I wanted to do with you, big and small. I’d show it, but I’m not that embarrassing. Just a person who cares.
You told me about the Domino sugar factory and you swear I should be able to see it on my commute. I never have, but now I’m scared one day I will.
I did do you the ultimate favor. I shielded you from the harshest critic: the people who love me. They wouldn’t know your name until it was over. You were safe, in my pocket - I could protect the stupid little thing that woke me up in the morning and put me to sleep at night.
The ending is the very worst, living inside my phone. At work, at night, all alone - not at all like how defining girl moments should happen. It should have happened in a castle or maybe just on your stupid new blanket.
I pray this call about ketchup* goes till 9 pm, so I can cry in an expensed Uber and maybe get kidnapped.
It ends at 9:30, but the Uber bumps and stops too much for me to fully give in to the pain I feel. I have my big headphones on and I’m crying. It feels like what I imagine a sensory deprivation tank could be like.
Now the whole of Soho is a fucking wasteland I have to crawl through. I remember trying to make you think I was a retail employee and taking my underwear off on the ride to the bar. But more than anything, I remember the first kiss. And how we ended up on either side of the tracks, you waving to me.
I was embarrassed, but you seemed so happy. And I thought at that moment, he’s gonna be good.
* I work in the Mad Men universe (advertising).