Julia Is a Friend Of Mine.

I met her by knocking on the door, standing inside a fluorescent nightmare of a hallway. I remember thinking how tiny and blunt she was. After I left, she asked our friend to do ketamine - she had bought too much.

Sometimes I had to explain her abrupt and callous nature to others; it can be off-putting. “I think she has a form of autism,” I would say.

Julia is like a flower in that her personality blooms. I thought she was one thing, but she’s actually another.

“I think you are gay,” she texts him.

She expects the man who just took her on a date to oblige. He is gay because his voice is high. Or his aura was timid. Or something.

The straight shooting often lands her in the gallows of r/redscarepod. Users comment that she’s lying, joking, or just trolling with her colorful life stories. I am here to bear witness to the truth of it all.

She is adept at creating think tank experiments. I trail behind the scorched earth she leaves, ruminating on all the funny little details of destruction. Though alien, Julia seems to bring out some very human qualities.

Julia lost a tooth slipping on ice outside a bar, if I remember correctly.

We revere Nathan Fielder for his fucked up little rat mazes. He constructs them so meticulously, always coated in a slick of irony. We like it all so much we wanna fuck it, fuck him, fuck the world - but it’s not real. And that’s the point. I think it’s only sexy to people when you’re in on the joke.

I’m not saying Julia isn’t sexy, but I am saying that being truthfully and honestly neurotic is a feat in which there is no obvious prize.

I once had a boyfriend I could hold in the palm of my hand. My tendency toward blinding rage enchanted him; my evil idiosyncrasies charmed him. He gave me everything, anything I wanted. Except I didn’t really want any of it.

Julia recently uncovered someone like this, too. She couldn’t figure out why it didn’t work. I am sure she had a big chalkboard in her brain, trying to figure out the equation like in Good Will Hunting.

I said goodbye to the only person who ever treated me well, so I entered Julia’s dilemma as Matt Damon The Really Smart Janitor. I could see so clearly how steady people can’t satisfy agents of chaos.

Writing all this now, I can feel Julia’s response in my bones. I think she’ll laugh. Hopefully she will appreciate the recognition.

I told her I was writing something about her. She asked me to include a text she sent to a man who made her crazier. We share a kinship in this, so now I’ll share with you some of that:

The agreed upon text to a man she shouldn’t be thinking about anymore.

The aftermath of Julia being bullied on “food twitter” for telling a girl she should not have 3 eggs a day. The sentiment was said in good faith, but came across as incredibly autistic.

Some online reactions to Julia:

I’m going to end this post with a comforting thought:

Thank you, Julia.

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